Resources For Men In Abusive Relationships

Hello, Benjamin from Brother’s Campfire here. 

In the last few years I have spoken to male victims of abuse, and frankly, it sickens me.

As a survivor of abuse, (much of it denied as reality by those I hoped would believe it) The stories they told affected me deeply, especially considering the ultimate final decision some of them made.

While I will allude to marriage partner type relationships, this is applicable to all abusive relationships men may encounter.

Male abuse is not a widely talked about subject and it is the intention of the Campfire to provide resources for men in abusive relationships. Get Help.

USA: The National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org/ Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)  Text “START” to 88788

UK: 01823 334244 – https://www.mankind.org.uk/

Ireland: 046 902 3710 –https://www.mensaid.ie/

Australia:- http://www.oneinthree.com.au/servicesandresources/

Male Domestic Abuse, The Numbers Are Elusive

The idea that a man can be a victim of abuse in a relationship is widely ignored and statistics are difficult to come by.

One of the significant reasons is society tends to think of domestic abuse as physical violence and does not always catagorize emotional and verbal abuse, manipulation, and financial abuse as domestic violence. Source

What Does Abuse Look Like For Male Vicims?

https://www.mankind.org.uk/ has an excellent breakdown of what males who are experiencing abuse looks like. They can include but are not limited to psychological control, isolation, and physical abuse.

Psychological Control

There are a lot of signs to ascertain if you or someone you know is a victim of psychological control. They include but are not limited to:

Anxiousness to please a partner at any cost to include agreeing with everything the partner says and does

Checking in often with their partner or recieving excessive phone calls

Belittling and humiliating behavior, privately and publicly. (it is happening in private if you observe or experience it in public)

Talk about a partner’s possessive behavior to include angry outbursts and jealousy

Visible changes in appearance, posture, and diminished grooming. They may appear sick or perpetually tired. These signs may be an outward expression of lowered self-esteem.

There may be significant changes to personality to include withdrawn behavior, depression, heightened anxiety and signs of suicidal behavior.

Someone under psychological control may have been threatened or feel that if he tries to get help he may have social repercussions.

Underlying reasons may include fear of not seeing children, threat of false accusations of being unfaithful, sexually violent, a domestic abuser or a child abuser.

These fears are legitimate and a frequent tool utilized in establishing psychological control. A victim of abuse can be accused of abuse by an abuser.

Isolation

Some signs to recognize if you or someone you know is being isolated:

Limited access to interacting with friends and family

Limited or nonexistent online activity when it was frequent

Limited access to a car or finances

Physical Violence

Signs that physical violence occurred may include:

Numerous excuses for frequent injuries and accidents

Missing social events and work without giving a reason why

Dressing in clothing inconsistent with the weather to cover up injuries

Are there examples? Absolutely.

Depending on your search perameters, it is not always easy to find.

Here are a few I found online after searching a while.

Male Survivor Of Domestic Violence ,I Was Paralyzed,Cyrus’ Story,David’s Story,John Suffered In Silence,I Feared She Would Kill Me,Coercive Control

Why Do Men Stay In Abusive Relationships?

According to Helpguide, shame,denial, concern for the safety of children, religious beliefs, and lack of resources are primary reasons men stay in abusive relationships.

Abuse can happen to anyone regardless of outward appearance, persona, job description or any perimeter of society. The social stigma of “looking weak” or vulnerable can be a cause of denial.

Many men stay in abusive relationships for the safety of their children. They love their children and feel their presence can be a deterrent to additional wrongdoing.

Upbringing and religious beliefs can cause men to stay in abusive relationships. Some cultures teach that women are weaker and are less likely to engage in violent or coercive behavior and this belief can lead to self blame.

Unconditional commitment to relationships is taught by some religions and a male victim of abuse may feel there is no option to leave.

The inability to find adequate financial support for food and housing while paying child support and alimony is also a factor in why men stay in an abusive relationship.

How To Protect Yourself From Abuse As A Male

Get Help From Experienced Professionals

Use the contact information at the top of this page to get in contact with sound advice and strategies for getting through this process. You will need outside voices that do not judge and can help you navigate what is going on.

Flee the situation if possible

If you are being abused and you have the ability, leave. Find someplace with people and get help by calling the hotlines above or emergency services.

Never, Ever Retaliate

Striking back, raising your voice or acting out in anger will leave you potentially in a legal nightmare. Just don’t.

Get Evidence Of The Abuse

Document all instances of coercion, take pictures of injuries and if you are seeking medical attention, tell the authorities you have experienced domestic violence. Get report numbers and copies for your records.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship

Leaving an abusive relationship can be frightening. Know for certain, the abuse will likely continue.

Start Planning

If possible, plan. Find a safe place you can go if you need to get away and think of routes to get there.

Try to have your identification cards in a safe place outside of where the abuse occurs. While replacable, the process can be time consuming and make it difficult to cash checks, sign in for doctor’s appointments or get a job.

Prepare a go-bag with prescription medications, papers,changes of clothing and hygiene items. You will need these.

Communications

If you are in an abusive relationship, be aware that your cell phone has GPS capabilities and a tech-savvy abuser can find you by manipulating your phone with applications. On a side note, your car may have a tracking device as well.

Billing records can show call history revealing who you are talking to and where you might be going. Use care with your technology taking care to clear your browsing history of pages where you are seeking help.

Where To Go

You may not have friends or family that are sympathetic to your plight or they may not believe you are a victim of abuse.

You may be able to locally reach out to a mental health center, a health care provider, a local court, or a church. Don’t give up.

In conclusion, being a male in an abusive relationship is a devastating situation with lasting impact. Know you are not alone and there are resources to gain independence from abuse.

No one deserves to be abused.

Supporting sites with similar information

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence-against-men/art-20045149

https://www.facs.nsw.gov.au/domestic-violence/my-situation/im-a-man

https://www.medicinenet.com/is_there_such_a_thing_as_battered_husband_syndrome/article.htm

https://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/articles/abused_men_paralysis_413.php

https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/domestic-violence/battered-men-battered-husbands-its-no-joke

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202007/how-battered-men-behave-differently

https://www.winchesterhospital.org/health-library/article?id=14179

https://www.shepherddoor.org/men-and-domestic-violence

Author: The Storyteller

Benjamin Thiel is a husband, father, correctional professional and author of The Ongoing Tale at Brothers Campfire. His favorite quote is "Don't count the lions. It will make you afraid and slow you down."

81 thoughts on “Resources For Men In Abusive Relationships”

  1. Great topic Benjamin. Anyone can be an abuser or be abused from the tiniest woman to the most macho man. And it is not always physical, it can be emotional, mental and/or financial, as well. All too often, those who appear to be or who are told to be strong are too embarrassed to speak up or they blame themselves and that is wrong. Nobody deserves to be abused. Thanks for bringing this forward. Allan

  2. Awesome post! Thank you for speaking out about this, Ben. Abused men are the least represented and many times left to fend for themselves. Also, an abused man will get ridiculed if he dies nothing but get demonized if he defends himself against an abusive woman- its a case of damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

    No one wants to have the discussion that a man can be abused too. And it’s a shame.

  3. Nice to be reading from you again, Benjamin! And such an important topic. I immediately checked out the other links and articles. Thank you and take care! 😺🌸🌞

    VVN

  4. Good information.

    I don’t really want to speak on this because I feel like victims are not believed and like you say unless is physical is not considered abuse

    See is not good to talk to me on this issue

    BOTH men and women can be abused!!! Regardless of sex color religion or anything else – it’s embarrassing and they are alone

    You say there is tons and tons of help or assistance – nope 👎 there is not… they just say that.

    I lived through that. My experience is that government lies and there is NO HELP or BaRE minimum and you at other peoples mercy. Many will try to take advantage

    I am a happy positive person with my character – always … but I will also say truth whether happy or not.

    If there was all this help you speak of – this would not be such an issue

    It gets bad… they don’t do shit.

    You are not a person… trust me that’s how you treated

    If you want out – it’s gonna be on you. Do not depend on ANYONE to save you – they do NOT care.

    What will save you… is humanity. “Human” kindness (aka earth angels)

    And also strong will and determination… keep your spirits up… and when times are good – keep good people… know the ones who are true friends … not fakes

    If was not for my earth angels I could not have survived

    It was not these hotlines or government assistance – they didn’t help me at all!!! Not at all!! Is lies

    Be prepared to do for yourself. Period

    Is codependency … people need to learn how to survive for themselves and then also they need to learn themselves …

    Make plan, have resources, watch for earth angels ✌️❤️

    Also learn to know that IF someone loves you they wouldn’t want to hurt you in any way.

    You don’t always see clearly in these relationships and when isolated it’s your world … the evil that you know is better than the evil you do not ✌️

    See!!! I am very dangerous to speak!!! I usually don’t – I take very harsh stance because I experienced this so called help offered. All that does is cause deeper problems!!!!!

    Yes I am very dangerous in this area. 😮😮😮

    * reasons why I stay quiet… but also once in blue moon I speak but I just prefer the silence with it. I prefer to stay away from all of it

    I once believe all that help was true and that the government and courts were fair and just… Ha!! 👎 nope – what was I thinking??!!!

    Now that I am away from someone yelling at me all the time and telling me how worthless – not to mention physical abuse. You eventually become just numb. You become a shell and not know how to move

    … ya know when I had cancer… I asked my doctors, “do you please have a patient advocate? I need help through this?”

    They say no… but someone in my life stepped in and was like my mom ❤️ was my Aunt ❤️

    Was not doctor or hospitals who try to help me mentally – it was an earth angel ❤️

    Also… are you also aware of how many people actually do cheat the system? And know how to work it? Cause there is also that… which in turn creates other hurdles for people who do sincerely need help.

    Some people are evil and the world is hard. People NEED to be strong for themselves!! And learn to appreciate who they are for their own selves ❤️

    HEAL

    I do totally appreciate your post ❤️❤️❤️ thank you for bringing the attention to an issue that desperately needs help!! You have no idea the pain and heartbreak so…

    People need help but the help offered is little to nothing- not good unless you have support or kindness.

    Is not just issue with one person… the one who abused needs to become stronger for self. Is only way to be safe and not at mercy.
    ☹️

    Especially if they have no one! Which is sometimes the case.

    I don’t like this subject… because I am way too opinionated on it …

    But thank you ❤️ I completely appreciate ❤️ and is only my personal view. I am just a human ✌️

    Is heavy and sad subject to me 😢💔

      1. You got a lot of love going on brother. Thank you for your resourceful share and thank you for the coffee.🍂🍮🍮

  5. Thank you for sharing. This is very true. In the relationship dynamic, men are as easily emotionally and verbally abused and manipulated as women. It is true that people many not listen when men complain. And it is also true that even if when men complain, people around them may not listen or even think it’s the men’s fault to be abused. This kind of social norm often makes the victims feel powerless and hopeless against their abuser. There really should be better awareness of the situation.

  6. So true. I know 3 men in my family who have been/are the victims in the relationship. It’s so sad.

    Some people have a hard time believing men get abused by women, but I’ve seen it happen.

    Great post and good information.

  7. Your move is very brave – I don’t know what I can do to help you – and help this fight, tell me if you want. Ideologists have taken over so much that the injustices towards men have become appalling.

  8. When I get a chance, I’d like to add your link on my post called … wait, I forgot what it’s called. Lemme go check my blog. 😆

  9. This is a very educational post brother Benjamin. Over the years, I worked with male domestic and family violence victims, I must say there is little difference in the nature of the abuse.

  10. The lack of attention to this issue is due not only to the reluctance of men to report abuse, but also to gender stereotyping and sexist attitudes. Thank you for this excellent and much-needed post! No one deserves to be abused, and no child deserves to witness abuse! All the best!

    1. Thank you for your support, Cheryl. Though no one has written anything negative in the comments, I have gotten a little guff in real life about this post. No one deserves abuse!!!

  11. You shared a lot of information that people need to hear. So many think men cannot ge victims of domestic abuse, but I’ve seen it firsthand. Thank you for shining a light on this problem.

    1. I agree even though I have never been to the UK. Men are not typically viewed as victims of abuse.
      I do not have the intellectual wherewithal to blog about steps I have taken to so I settled for this.

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