The Truth about Tractor Beams and “Abductions”

Hello Benjamin from Brother’s Campfire here!

Please enjoy my understanding of Tractor Beams from Space.

Captain Wardance had no sooner fallen asleep when He received a page from Medical.

One of the herd had taken a pod to north Queensland and decided to river surf. It was a bit more than the crew member could handle. Fortunately, he was pulled from the water and returned to the B.C.Halhïn Gol, responsibly reporting his injuries.

Wardance wished they were all that easy and went back to bed.

Morning brought fresh frustrations; it seemed discipline was non-existent.

As he walked down the hallway for breakfast, there were pin ups of heifers in the hallways and at this early hour Brazilian Samba blasted near a bull laying on his side with gassy bloat. He had probably been out late eating corn.

Finding his favorite spot, Wardance ordered orchardgrass and began reviewing reports on the view screen to discover that near Cheyenne, Wyoming, some of the crew were caught frolicking in the wrong pasture.
Another group took holiday in India and got into an argument with the locals about whether cows were holy or Halal.

Looking at unsubmitted reports, he learned that ole “Dirty Dave” had injured a civilian a few days back and no one had informed him.

Order must be brought to his ship.

Assuming his Captain’s chair, he wondered, what would William Shatner have done as Captain of the Enterprise?

Mulling it over, William Shatner, also known as James T. Kirk had around 31 women in his career as Captain. Once,he fell in love with an Android.

Captain Wardance decided that Shatner was a little heavy on the love of heifers and would not be a valid resource for instilling discipline with a bunch of boisterous bulls.

One thing was certain, it was time to cancel all leave and call all bovinae back to base immediately.

The most effective method of extracting crew from a planet was by tractor.

As an advanced civilization, the Bovinae had harnessed the power of methane to convert a beam of focused energy into traction, or a tractor beam.

While earth dwellers use tractors all the time, they are deeply offended when other species use them. On occasion, a human might be caught in a tractor beam and brought to the ship.

After inspection for health and welfare they were sedated and ALWAYs returned. The level of anger, fear and resentment of these “abductions” was mind boggling.

Author: Benjamin

Benjamin Thiel is a community leader, urban farmer, and author of The Ongoing Tale at Brothers Campfire. He might know a guy...

4 thoughts on “The Truth about Tractor Beams and “Abductions”

  1. Adelheid says:

    Can’t imagine what that rescued cow must have gone through. It’s so stressed out.


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