Hello, Benjamin from Brothers Campfire here.
Apparently, emojis are not displaying correctly in the comments. My bad. We are working on it.
Please enjoy the adventures of
J. Wardance, Captain of the B.C.Halhïn Gol
In Earth’s orbit, and having locked up Ricardo for a potential intergalactic incident,
J. Wardance, Captain of the B.C.Halhïn Gol called the herd to formation.
“Crew, having been entrusted with your lives and the B.C. Halhïn Gol,
It is time we had a briefing.”
The purpose and scope of this briefing is to make you acutely aware of interplanetary conduct while on leave. Is this clear?”
In unison, the crew shouted,
“And How, Brown Cow!”
Captain Wardance smiled to himself. A decorated recipient of the coveted Medal of Valor, the Bull of the Woods award, he recalled his youth and remembered the training in years gone by. If his herd were to follow in his hoofprints, sweating the small stuff would prevent future concerns.
“Crew, we spend a lot of money here on Earth. This is due to young bulls like you chasing heifers hither and yon and making calves.
Then half your check goes to some milk dud with makeup and fake tail extensions, while you bring home a gift that keeps giving.
“Let me assure you Trichomoniasis is rampant out there and there is only so much that Ipronidazole will do to help you. If you come to medical with an itch, foot rot, tongue vesicles, or heaven forbid Bovine spongiform encephalopathy know that you will be chaptered out.”
A young crew member raised his hoof.
“Sir, what is Bovine spongiform encephalopathy?”
Some seasoned crewmen chuckled, and one spoke up. “It’s when someone gets weird and eats prions.”
As they were young and immature, all the crew laughed.
Captain Wardance resumed.
“When you are going about your business, stick to fields and rural areas. Always, walk on all fours. When we stand upright, we draw a lot of attention. Do not stand upright on earth. Ever.
Do not go into large cities or other densely inhabited urban areas. Just the other day, we had a crew member who almost ended up in a meat market. Currently, he is locked up, pending additional investigation.”
“Bring your own food to earth, or graze on natural grasses. Do not eat cabbage, onions, or beans.”
Young crewmembers raised their hooves.
“Sir, am I permitted to belch methane?”
“Yes, you are permitted to belch as much methane as you would like.”
“Sir, may I collect blister beetles?”
“NO! The collection of blister beetles is strictly forbidden.”
“Sir, me and my crew were watching a TikTok and there was a lead pipe licking competition, can we…”
Involuntary, Captain Wardance swatted an imaginary fly with his tail.
“I have never heard of this. I will do some research and get back to you. For now, let’s not lick lead pipes. Let’s move on to other conduct instructions while on earth.”
“As fun as it may seem, do not stand in the middle of roadways or train tracks. Do not lick frightened humans even if they are salty. Do not play with cattle guards. They are there for a reason.”
“Remember, that while we are bulls, we represent
The B.C.Halhïn Gol and the Bovine Planetary Federation. Is this clear?”
With a salute, the crew yelled,
“And How, Brown Cow!”
The briefing completed, Captain Wardance went to his quarters. It was only a matter of time before some flank steak fresh out of the Academy would meet some milk dud with fake tail extensions and he would be responsible for ensuring her housing was paid for. It happened every deployment.