Missing Lawn Goblins

Hello, Benjamin from Brother’s Campfire here!

I have only met one angry Canadian in my entire life and that was an anomaly. Canada has the chillest folks on the face of the planet. Seriously.

It is a well known fact that the Canadian Goose absorbs all the bad vibes, hate, and bitterness of Canada and carries it elsewhere in their soulless migratory bodies.

Have you ever been attacked by a goose? It is unnatural how such a small creature can be so ferocious. They can draw blood too.

That leaves me with the current situation. Recently, I was attacked by lawn goblins and left in a real bad fix.

Watchman Wayne could only do so much and we were grossly outnumbered.

Blood and gore all over his shield, Wayne winced at the wretchedness of it all.

In fear for my very life, a lawn goblin had me dead to rights in my own backyard!

I called for my Beloved and she rolled her eyes, my daughter documented it all, ambivalent to my predicament, and the Twelve Year Veteran of Life had his earbuds in, playing Terraria.

All hope was lost. My neighbors laughed at my calamity.

I had narrowly missed the initial swing and the Goblin’s axe came down at a startling speed a second time.

The axe fell out of the Goblin’s hand and the flat of the blade hit me square on a hallux. I let out a yelp and was on my feet.

With a loud honk, Trumpet had bitten the lawn goblin, giving me a chance to recover.

With my garden fork, I parried, I thrusted, I swung and I fought and together the three of us pushed the lawn goblins back into the compost pile where they came from.

I fear we have not heard the last of them and this will be a campaign to expel them fully.

Suddenly, one of my neighbors yelled, “are you live action role playing again Benjamin? ”

“I AM NOT”, I responded. “I am training for work.”

My neighbor laughed. “Ok Ben.”

Despite my embarrassment, I drug the vanquished lawn goblins off of the battlefield so the grass can grow.

There was last minute shopping to do fory upcoming camping trip l, so I was gone for a while. When I came back, the lawn goblins were gone!

To my dismay, someone in the house had cooked and seasoned them.

“We cannot eat these” I cried, “they are lawn goblins!”

“It’s chicken, dad,”

“Oh. “

One can’t be too sure about such things but I will take their word.

Author: The Storyteller

Benjamin Thiel is a husband, father, correctional professional and author of The Ongoing Tale at Brothers Campfire. His favorite quote is "Don't count the lions. It will make you afraid and slow you down."

64 thoughts on “Missing Lawn Goblins”

  1. Oh my God! This is so hilarious! And creative. Are you sure that’s chicken. Looks like tiny goblins, but that could just be the ringing in my eyes after reading this magnificent piece. And the photograph is perfectly dramatic. Ever thought of acting? You should. 🙂

          1. Glad I don’t have any in my place…..although we do have Christmas elves (are they cousins of goblins?) which multiply madly that time of year and appear on rooftops etc. Fortunately they don’t seem to like my roof……maybe too slippery….dunno

          2. Sounds possible…..is there a Royal Society of Goblins? ….. of which there could well be a Board of Most Esteemed Goblins at the top, running the whole show?…….I could be pushing the boundaries of your knowledge here…….being on the other side of the planet this is all foreign to me

          3. Good heavens…you gotta know someone to be invited in?…sounds bit like a secret society……hope the’re not too KKK’ish …I’m getting carried away here….time to go and get lunch

    1. He looks terrified acted out on the ground like that Terveen. Is that blood splattered all over his shirt? Looks more like goblin piss. Shit, no wonder he’s terrified. Don’t you catch herpes from that? Or dread the thought, consumption?…..

  2. I am sure that chicken will turn into goblins, once you are goblin it up. Yes, you do not want to mess with a Canada Goose, especially where goslings are involved. Just ask Fabio what happens when a goose crosses your path. I am sure he would admit it can be a roller coaster ride. Stay well Benjamin. Allan

          1. Nice! Well that is how I use to eat chitlins. I think they fall in the same category, or not. Lol

  3. And this is why I only have two pink flamingos living in a wild thicket of ornamental grass at the edge of my back yard. Lawn goblins are too unpredictable to keep around.
    Speaking of Canadians being “laid back,” have you ever seen the show “Corner Gas” that played on Canadian TV around 2005 to 2009 (I’m guessing here)? It’s hilarious.

      1. That sounds reliably wonderfully wholesome! Mmmm things are a bit grouchy out here in the mean streets! I’m gonna need a bigger can of mace, Captain!

          1. I’m afraid that is not going to be able to happen for a while. Mace it is….No joke, my friend, a guy had rigged a grinder up to a parking meter, hacking into the electric, and was trying to saw off metal railings for scrap metal, no glasses, no top on, nothing. Sparks everywhere. He got absolutely nowhere…but…seriously…there is me and the Boy stuck because some woman in her car has frozen…Thank goodness he was fixated and not in the mood to hurt anyone! Please keep the gates closed at work! There is enough mad and bad out here, what the *%*&! is it like IN THERE!

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