Hello, Benjamin from Brothers Campfire Here! If you need an apostrophe in a few places, here are some spares. ”””
The Angry Onion
One day, Peter the barkeep went home to find his wife was on a health kick.
You see, a traveling merchant had been about with a slick sales pitch;
“There’s more than one way to cut an onion.”
The traveling merchant had knives, dicers, slicers, peelers, prodders, and every other instrument you would never think about to dabble with onions.
The salesman would layer facts with anecdotes and stories so well thought out, you would leek with tears after his passionate pitches.
Some would say, the process of cutting onions is cut and cried, ehem… cut and dried, but not in the hearts and minds of those that purchased the merchandise.
let’s get to the root of the matter.
Peter’s wife made onion juice, onion soup mix, onion ice cream, and onion tea.
She was so enamored with onions that Peter was compelled to partake in onion omelets, onion stew, onion fruitcake, and onion porridge.
At first, the barkeep reassured his wife and complimented her cooking and putting health first above all else, and this enabled her to prepare more oniony goodness.
Then came the onionware parties. You see, if you were into onion accessories sold by the salesman, they could be pricey products.
Peter’s wife worked out a contract with the salesman that if she showed all the other women in the village how to use the onionware tools, she would get a percentage.
The onionware merchant also told her that if she got her friends to sell onionware, she would also get a bonus. She did and made a fortune
Peter was patient and endured all of this for quite some time… That is until Lord Rutherford’s wife signed up and began an onion regimen.
You see, his lady, influenced by the charming onionware salesman, procured all of the aforementioned cookware, varieties of onions, onion paintings, onion tapestries, onion carvings and onion jewelry, even an onion ring.
Lord Rutherford was wroth, for he despised onions above all else.
He promptly and unequivocally ordered all of his horses and all of his men to ride down the onionware merchant and slay him by the edge of the sword.
He narrowly escaped, as such folks have the uncanny ability to do when pendulums swing.
Peter, the barkeep did not fare so well. Emboldened by Lord Rutherford’s irrational behavior, the townspeople burned his tavern to the ground and stole his merchandise.
Lord Reginald, Ruthorford’s father, and Lord of the Land was furious, declared onions outlawed for the space of thirty days. He also recompensed Peter for his pain, suffering, and the loss of his property. He was granted a better place in which to build a new tavern.
It was twice in a short time that the nobility had thrown coin Peter’s way and he gratefully accepted.*
The men of the town, remorseful for what they had done, pitched in and built a new tavern for Peter.
Peter’s wishes for a new tavern had a few particulars. Within and without, the tavern would be circular in construction. The bar would be placed at the center of the room with tables encircling it.
He would call it,
The Angry Onion.
(*Alexander had given him a goodly sum to hire workers to the prairie dog-infested hundred-acre wood at the base of the hills, said to be haunted by haints.https://brotherscampfire.com/brothers-campfire-an-ongoing-tale-252/ )